Divorcing a Narcissist: The Ultimate Guide
What is a Narcissist?
If you’re caught in a marriage with one, and embarking on a mission to get a divorce and free yourself from their grasp, then you probably already have some idea.
Still, not everyone who finds themselves victimized by a narcissist knows what they are dealing with. In an encounter with a narcissist, you are playing by one set of rules, and they are playing by another. That is why it is so important to understand that other set of rules, so that you can arm yourself against being preyed upon.
The term narcissism, as you may know, comes from the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, who was cursed by the gods to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. In the myth, Narcissus wasted away and died, turning into a flower.
This is an apt metaphor on one level, but not another: narcissists engage in self-destructive behavior, but rarely with such flowery results. Instead, they tend to drag down the people around them. If you are dealing with this right now, you probably understand that all too well.
In a more modern understanding, a “narcissist” is someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
The False Reality
There are a number of traits involved in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the three most basic ones are:
- Grandiosity (that is, a belief in one’s own importance).
- Lack of empathy for others.
- Excessive need for admiration.
We all want to be admired by others and we all demonstrate self-importance and lack of empathy at times, but if you’re wondering whether you’re a narcissist reading this, you probably aren’t. A real narcissist would not engage in such self-reflection – or, if they realized they were a narcissist, would take no shame in it.
Basically, a narcissist is someone who lives in a mask. They create a false reality, and they rely on this false reality in order to protect their true self. And to the narcissist, keeping this false reality is a prime imperative.
Covert Narcissism
There are a few different types of narcissism.
Overt narcissists are very direct in their approach; if you are speaking to one, it will be fairly obvious early on that they have an inflated sense of self-worth and a lack of empathy.
Covert narcissists, however, are an entirely different story. In fact, they might even seem shy or uncertain about themselves! However, the narcissistic traits are still there, but buried more deeply.
(Some psychologists use the terms grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism instead of overt and covert, but they mean essentially the same thing.)
Covert narcissists can be particularly difficult to deal with, since they can often very easily hide their narcissistic traits and put on a façade of politeness, charm, and humility. If you are caught in a divorce with such a person, they will try to convince the world they are doing nothing wrong and that you are the unreasonable one.
The Narcissistic Cycle During a Divorce
It might seem that the actions of a narcissist are wildly unpredictable, and that’s where a lot of the fear and uncertainty can come from. In fact, narcissists’ actions are all too boringly predictable, if you are familiar with the general pattern.
This is called the narcissistic abuse cycle, and it involves three general phases:
Idealization. When you first meet a narcissist, they will act as though you are the best person in the world. If you are married to a narcissist, then this phase probably characterized the early part of your relationship, and in contrast to what comes next, it can be an extremely pleasant period. During this time, they will engage in what is called “love bombing” – showering you with gifts, money, compliments, and physical affection, telling you again and again how special you are, and so forth.
Devaluation. This comes once the excitement of the relationship wears off, and the darker side of the narcissist’s personality begins to show. During this phase, they might not do anything particularly horrific, but they will start to tell you all sorts of little things to make you doubt yourself and your perceptions of the world, trying to tarnish your other relationships and interests. They may become cold and distant, or disappear altogether, for long periods of time. However, they will still be very loving much of the time. This inconsistent reinforcement keeps you in a state of perpetual uncertainty, and you will often try very hard to stay on the positive side.
Discarding. Finally, the narcissist will decide to end the relationship. This may occur when you finally stand up to them, or it may simply occur when you grow bored of them and no longer fulfill their needs. At this stage, they will abandon you, or do something horrible enough to make you abandon them. Even at this point, you’re not in the clear: they might come back into your life and discard you again and again… if you let them.
Remember, the narcissist is on a journey, too. Narcissistic relationships are based not on an understanding of one’s partner as a fully actualized human, but as a commodity to serve the purposes of the narcissistic partner. In the idealization stage, they probably truly believe that you are perfect. But when you no longer serve their needs, you become irrelevant.
Typical Horror Situtations and Manipulate Behaviors
There are as many different forms of narcissistic abuse as there are narcissists. However, the damage they do often falls into a few familiar patterns:
- Violence. Many narcissistic partners are physically abusive, particularly when they don’t get their way. This can be one of the most devastating behaviors to deal with, but it is often more straightforward to address than more subtle types of narcissistic abuse. If you are being physically abused, then you should contact law enforcement right away.
- Threats. Narcissists will use threats to get their way – and not just threats of violence, either. They can threaten to cut you off financially, for instance, or withhold affection, or turn your children and others against you.
- Gaslighting. You may have heard this term before; it refers to a specific type of manipulation intended to make you question your own perceptions about the world, to doubt your ability to discern reality. The narcissist lives in their own world, and gaslighting is how they get you to inhabit that world with them.
- Cognitive dissonance. This is often a logical result of gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two conflicting beliefs about something. You might love and hate your partner at the same time, both seeing their negative qualities and simultaneously believing that they are as good as they say they are. Escaping from such a relationship is the only way to resolve this psychological contradiction.
- Mirroring. This is one of the more bizarre elements. A narcissist may, particularly in the idealization stages of a relationship, copy your behaviors and interests. This can convince you that they are like you, that they understand you, and that they are an ideal partner.
- Projection. This occurs when narcissists accuse you of the behaviors which they themselves are engaging in; for instance, they might say that you are being “manipulative” or even “narcissistic.” They do this because they are unable to face the truth about themselves – but also because it helps to gaslight you and keep you confused.
Understanding the Mind of the Narcissist - And Defeating Them
By now, some of this might sound hauntingly familiar to you. If you’ve gotten caught up in a narcissistic relationship, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Such individuals operate in a manner which most ordinary people who have never encountered one can barely fathom. Their playbook takes advantage of some of our noblest human tendencies: to be kind to those around us, to trust, to give second chances.
But this does not mean that narcissists are all-powerful, or that the harm they do to you is unstoppable. Narcissists can be defeated, often by carefully learning their tactics.
We should know – we’ve done it.
To defeat your opponent, though, you must know your opponent. That is why it is so important to understand the narcissist’s mind, and what’s going on beneath the pattern.
Lack of Empathy
First and foremost, never try to appeal to a narcissist’s better nature or make them realize how much they are hurting you.
In most ordinary interactions with other people, you can expect a degree of empathy. You probably won’t be surprised to hear us say that this isn’t the case here.
Narcissists are not inclined to be empathetic, and an appeal to their better nature won’t work. In fact, it will only extend their sense of power. They may feign empathy, but only in pursuit of their own goals, and never with any true emotional depth.
So instead of expecting pity, get smart…
Understanding Supply
A narcissist has a pathological need for attention – particularly admiring attention. They need a constant supply in order to maintain their self-image, and as a spouse, you are likely a source of such attention.
Therefore, one of the best ways you can turn the tables around on a narcissist is to cut their supply.
When you are in a divorce with a narcissist, one of the best things you can do is to minimize the amount of attention you give your partner. Stay away from them, both physically and emotionally. Do not have any more contact than is absolutely necessary, using your lawyers as a medium if possible – and while it can be difficult, try not to think about them any more than you have to.
If possible, obtain a restraining order against your narcissistic partner. This is particularly necessary if your partner is physically abusive, as many narcissists are.
By staying away and denying supply, you can reassert your control. While you might feel like the narcissist is the one calling the shots, by ignoring them and not engaging you can make them dry up like a plant without water.
Charm, Lying and False Narratives
This probably won’t come as any great surprise to you, either, but it bears emphasizing: narcissists are complex and sophisticated liars. Of course, everyone lies sometimes, but it comes easier to some than others, and to few people more easily than a narcissist.
A narcissist will lie very easily and without guilt. They can create complex false narratives that are utterly divorced from the truth, while at the same time including just enough truth to keep stringing you along. They can do so smoothly, without exhibiting a lot of the supposed “tells” of a liar, like poor eye contact.
This is because in their minds, they aren’t lying: they truly believe every word they say. They live in a different world, one of their creation, one in which they truly are the best and most important people around.
Don’t join them in that world. It’s not worth your time to argue with a narcissist, because they’ll never admit a lie, even if you present them with incontrovertible evidence, and they’ll just use the argument as an opportunity to gain leverage over you. But don’t allow yourself to be swayed by their false narratives, either.
Pushing Buttons
You are human; you have weak spots. Unfortunately, narcissists are experts at finding those weaknesses and using them against you, learning to push your buttons. This is particularly true if you’ve been in an intimate relationship and they know your backstory and vulnerabilities.
They can use phrases like “You’re just like your father” or “No one else likes you, I’m the only one who has your back” or “You’re worse than (insert person you despise).” They will hit below the belt, and do so effectively – all for the purposes of manipulation.
You can choose how to respond to these provocations. Gaining power back from a narcissistic spouse can be a difficult process of self-examination, but also – paradoxically – a rare opportunity to develop a greater sense of control, to learn how to rise above abuse and manipulation. It is a chance for what some psychologists term “post-traumatic growth.” This can be a difficult, painful process, but so is much of what is worth doing in life.
You can’t choose your immediate emotional response. But if you are aware that the narcissist is not nearly as strong as they might seem, and that much of what they are saying is false, then you can greatly minimize the impact.
And if you have any means to do so, seek therapy. A good therapist can deal with some of these emotional tactics more effectively than we can as your attorneys. Winning the divorce battle and keeping your sanity can go hand-in-hand, separate but complementary efforts.
Narcissists with Children
If a child is involved in your breakup with a narcissistic partner, then things can become much more complicated.
Remember: in the narcissistic mindset, other people exist to serve one’s purpose. You have already been treated this way, and you can expect that a narcissist will treat children with the same disregard. Their primary intent, during a divorce, will be to use your child against you as leverage.
It is highly likely that a narcissistic partner will attempt to manipulate your child into actively disliking you, to poison their mind with lies and half-truths about you. This is known as parental alienation, and it can be one of the most difficult, painful things which any parent has to deal with. Unfortunately, it can also be hard to break through this wall.
In a divorce settlement, it’s generally best for children to spend time with both parents. But if one parent is narcissistic, then co-parenting simply isn’t possible, or in the best interest of the child. That is why you should be fighting to obtain primary or sole custody of your children – and a skilled attorney can help you with that.
You can also expect a huge battle over child support. If you are seeking child support, then they will try to give you as little as possible. If you are taking child support, then they will try to take much more than they deserve.
It is important to stand firm at this stage. Family court can be difficult to navigate, and seldom results in a satisfying outcome for all parties involved (even when both are being reasonable, which is certainly not the case with a narcissistic partner).
Seeking the Right Legal Services
Remember, these people act a lot tougher than they really are. They might bully you when you are alone and isolated, but once you have the resources to fight, it can be a whole different story. You do not deserve to be pushed around.
Setting a strong, firm limit with a narcissist is ultimately the best way to gain your power back. But it is much easier to do so when you have some strong ammunition on your side. The battle can last a long time, but it is winnable, and you can gain your life and sanity back.
If you have found yourself at the mercy of a narcissistic partner in a divorce settlement, then call our firm for a free consultation today. We can help you explore your options and figure out a battle plan.